Imagine That
Being a parent. I thought this position would somehow offer me a constant in a world of change. I thought that I would always feel love for another human being. I thought I would always be willing to happily forgo my needs and desires for the purpose of another. I was wrong.
Imagine my surprise, right on the delivery table, when my child cried, and I felt mortified, helpless, and scared. Right away there was something different. I was responsible for another human being. I was no longer an issue (or so I thought), and my life was null & void. I was comitted, and to place this little one's every need above my own, without complaint, or so much as a mention of anything in regards to myself. I guess I must have had my ideals set to "Stepford" mode.... because within the next 5 years I figured out the truth behind all that idealistic mumbo-jumbo.
Day after day I was tested, again, and again, and again. The only thing that was constant were my tears, my failure, and my prayers. I battled with my existence and that of this new little guy, amazing and smart, and cute as a button, yet there was a drive for me to do more. I didn't know what this was. I found an oulet in starting my own business, and helping other women realize (at least on some level) their value in the eyes of their Maker. I thought about school. Oddly enough, (here's a confession) on the day I was planning on talking to the hubbs about it, he stated right off the bat "I think it's time for me to go back to school." Well. That was it. I thought, obviously, the man is convicted, he'll go back first. He did, all the while both of us were working, and now had a 2 week old son.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We had tried to sell our home at the fall of the market, and now were living in my in-law's home, much to my chagrin, but it was keeping us a float financially (remember, the hubbs is in school, and did NOT want to stop for anything). We had gottent pregnant again (planned), and I thought naiively that I could work, take care of two children (along with the grandparent's help, since my husband was in the charge of the college), and run my own business. Now, we had a cute little son who resembled Elvis, and cried all the time. No joke. All the time. I didn't know what was wrong with him. Add that to the list of busyness, suffocation of responsibility, and living in not-my-house. It was a recipe for disaster. Was I to do it all? Is this all I am to be? Bear children, live for my husband, a dead end job, provide for every need for every one? I didn't know where to focus my fight. So, I turned it inward, and nearly killed myself.
I told my dh it was time to move out of his parent's house (for the final run of school), that I could no longer take it, and I wanted to quit my job soon, and go back to school for my undergrad. I knew God had more in store for me, and that I couldn't live my life for any other human being. I had to live for Christ. While I will always be a mother, a wife, etc... those identities can be taken away at any moment. Also, I was NOT born a mother, or a wife. I am myself, and will always be who God created me to be, from now until my final breath into eternity. I have value, worth, a purpose, and can do all things through Him who gives me strength. This realization has proven to be a great one, but also challenging in the aspect of realizing that a person is a HUMAN being, with needs, desires, and potential that reach beyond a mere definition of a practial state of existence.
Fast forward again 2 years... surprise pregnancy with #3, a son, a cutie pie, a blessing, and about the most "normal" baby/child by definition that one could ask for. I start school, a private school, on a full scholarship. I want to do well, for my family, for my God, and for the people in the future who may depend on my skills in order to realize their God given potential. I want my boys to see the strength and potential they posess as I also continue on this journey and support them in their endeavors. I work, side by side, with my husband as we both support our family, keep our home, and exhort one another to be who we are in Christ.
I do not think the realization of how much I needed Christ would have been revealed if my children had not come into the picture. My focus for the future wouldn't have been sharpened without these little men in my life. I am willing to care for, provide for, and die for these little ones. It is also my duty to teach, to give them vision, and help them realize where they come from. They drove me deeper into the calling which Christ has for me... not only as a mother, wife, guardian, partner, worker, accountant, home maker, but also as a human being - who Christ made me to be. Imagine that.
Imagine my surprise, right on the delivery table, when my child cried, and I felt mortified, helpless, and scared. Right away there was something different. I was responsible for another human being. I was no longer an issue (or so I thought), and my life was null & void. I was comitted, and to place this little one's every need above my own, without complaint, or so much as a mention of anything in regards to myself. I guess I must have had my ideals set to "Stepford" mode.... because within the next 5 years I figured out the truth behind all that idealistic mumbo-jumbo.
Day after day I was tested, again, and again, and again. The only thing that was constant were my tears, my failure, and my prayers. I battled with my existence and that of this new little guy, amazing and smart, and cute as a button, yet there was a drive for me to do more. I didn't know what this was. I found an oulet in starting my own business, and helping other women realize (at least on some level) their value in the eyes of their Maker. I thought about school. Oddly enough, (here's a confession) on the day I was planning on talking to the hubbs about it, he stated right off the bat "I think it's time for me to go back to school." Well. That was it. I thought, obviously, the man is convicted, he'll go back first. He did, all the while both of us were working, and now had a 2 week old son.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We had tried to sell our home at the fall of the market, and now were living in my in-law's home, much to my chagrin, but it was keeping us a float financially (remember, the hubbs is in school, and did NOT want to stop for anything). We had gottent pregnant again (planned), and I thought naiively that I could work, take care of two children (along with the grandparent's help, since my husband was in the charge of the college), and run my own business. Now, we had a cute little son who resembled Elvis, and cried all the time. No joke. All the time. I didn't know what was wrong with him. Add that to the list of busyness, suffocation of responsibility, and living in not-my-house. It was a recipe for disaster. Was I to do it all? Is this all I am to be? Bear children, live for my husband, a dead end job, provide for every need for every one? I didn't know where to focus my fight. So, I turned it inward, and nearly killed myself.
I told my dh it was time to move out of his parent's house (for the final run of school), that I could no longer take it, and I wanted to quit my job soon, and go back to school for my undergrad. I knew God had more in store for me, and that I couldn't live my life for any other human being. I had to live for Christ. While I will always be a mother, a wife, etc... those identities can be taken away at any moment. Also, I was NOT born a mother, or a wife. I am myself, and will always be who God created me to be, from now until my final breath into eternity. I have value, worth, a purpose, and can do all things through Him who gives me strength. This realization has proven to be a great one, but also challenging in the aspect of realizing that a person is a HUMAN being, with needs, desires, and potential that reach beyond a mere definition of a practial state of existence.
Fast forward again 2 years... surprise pregnancy with #3, a son, a cutie pie, a blessing, and about the most "normal" baby/child by definition that one could ask for. I start school, a private school, on a full scholarship. I want to do well, for my family, for my God, and for the people in the future who may depend on my skills in order to realize their God given potential. I want my boys to see the strength and potential they posess as I also continue on this journey and support them in their endeavors. I work, side by side, with my husband as we both support our family, keep our home, and exhort one another to be who we are in Christ.
I do not think the realization of how much I needed Christ would have been revealed if my children had not come into the picture. My focus for the future wouldn't have been sharpened without these little men in my life. I am willing to care for, provide for, and die for these little ones. It is also my duty to teach, to give them vision, and help them realize where they come from. They drove me deeper into the calling which Christ has for me... not only as a mother, wife, guardian, partner, worker, accountant, home maker, but also as a human being - who Christ made me to be. Imagine that.
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