Struggle
Unknown to me still are the depths of my wekaness. I have no solice this evening, nothing. There is not one comfort one can give. do not know whether sorrow is merely an emotion or a deep well of existing pain that never seems to go away, but is merely buried or mulled over in the franticness of life, only to be rediscovered with time. At leasst for now, there is a match between what was occuring behind closed doors and the picture to the outside world .
He has fun. He always has. He has peace, and will do whatever it takes to preserve himsel,f and network himself back into comfort and a successful life. This was made known to me many years ago. So, either way, my life would be the same, except that the truth of all things would at least be somewhat public. Divorce is not a new realm of existing to me, nor is single parenthood. Somehow I knew that being a mother and a "wife" would always hold me captive in some way. Neither title is liberating in the least. my heart is alwyas drwan to my children, whether I can handle it or not. You see, there never is a break as a mother, because the heart always is engaged, and always knows what is happening.It is a magnanomous responsibility, and, had I planned on traversing the paths of divorce, I might have thought harder about conceiving little ones and carrying the load on my own. Actually, if I would have been wise enough to see that I would be alone in a "marriage" relationship, I would've thought harder. The children are the evidence of all that was good between the other and I. Now, the pain matches what was experienced on many occasions. I know many say there is more to come on the journey of parenting. Perhaps it is only for the moment I struggle to see such a rainbow.
god, forgive the tears Icry of pain, of frustration, of frailty. I hope at least You understand.I am beginning to think all that I had hoped and htought was a family and marriage is simply non-existent, it is not possible. I don't know how to show my sons that there's a 'good' role model to show them what a father is that is involved on every front, that is willing to go through all the difficulty of being a full time worker, a full time parent, and still wants a marital relationship. I have not seen it yet, or perhaps the vision is clouded still by hurt. Much to heal from and move on I still have.
He has fun. He always has. He has peace, and will do whatever it takes to preserve himsel,f and network himself back into comfort and a successful life. This was made known to me many years ago. So, either way, my life would be the same, except that the truth of all things would at least be somewhat public. Divorce is not a new realm of existing to me, nor is single parenthood. Somehow I knew that being a mother and a "wife" would always hold me captive in some way. Neither title is liberating in the least. my heart is alwyas drwan to my children, whether I can handle it or not. You see, there never is a break as a mother, because the heart always is engaged, and always knows what is happening.It is a magnanomous responsibility, and, had I planned on traversing the paths of divorce, I might have thought harder about conceiving little ones and carrying the load on my own. Actually, if I would have been wise enough to see that I would be alone in a "marriage" relationship, I would've thought harder. The children are the evidence of all that was good between the other and I. Now, the pain matches what was experienced on many occasions. I know many say there is more to come on the journey of parenting. Perhaps it is only for the moment I struggle to see such a rainbow.
god, forgive the tears Icry of pain, of frustration, of frailty. I hope at least You understand.I am beginning to think all that I had hoped and htought was a family and marriage is simply non-existent, it is not possible. I don't know how to show my sons that there's a 'good' role model to show them what a father is that is involved on every front, that is willing to go through all the difficulty of being a full time worker, a full time parent, and still wants a marital relationship. I have not seen it yet, or perhaps the vision is clouded still by hurt. Much to heal from and move on I still have.
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