Tell me......Why.....

I am in the process of letting go. I can't speak into your life. When I do, I am accused of judging your heart. I am the one who is supposed to be the closest to you, and the one whom you are to allow to give you the warning signs. You become more upset & defensive, and are "quick to judge" my heart (saying always that I am angry & upset). I cannot make you want certain things that are good & right & true. There was a time where you would've agreed with me. There was a time we stood together on these matters - only, I was the one under the 'scope. I listened, patiently, and with much interest....even if I was accused of something that may not have been true about my heart, I listened, and took it as counsel. That is the only reason I am alive today. And you were the one to speak into my life. There is a wall here, and I do not know if I am able to get through....I cannot make this wall be torn down. There's no door...just a wall. There is a part of you I want to know more, but again, you have to desire this as well. Otherwise, this is all the farther we are able to go, and the rest of our days we will live at this level. I am not sure I can do that. There is absence of authenticity and congruency. I am unsure if you will see this any time soon. So what now? I talk with others, desiring that you also talk. I desire us to be one, but these attitudes of pride and self-pity have to cease. We both have a part to play in our relationship - we're responsible for choices made & for hurts we have caused. I can admit my struggles & go before Christ at the cross.... but you are reluctant to join me as a fellow sinner & meet me where our depravity meets our greatest need - if we do not acknowledge our need for Christ, our unity does not exist. How can I exist in unity with someone who is not in need of God? That is the basis of our unity. Only by humbly going before God's throne together, taking responsiblity for our sin that we've chosen & done, only then, by admitting our weakness, can we relate on an equal level. This has not happened in our marriage. I had foresight of this in the beginning. There was indication in the beginning. Yet, I chose anyway. I am leaving a change & revelation up to you & God. I pray you will see your need in all of it's purest form. I don't long to have you falter in order for me to be above you, I long for you to see your need as a fellow sinner who has been redeemed by the grace of God & who has a long road to walk WITH me. I pray for Godly counsel & wisdom to come through, in whatever way God sees fit. I love you.