Parenting in the midst of Family


I'm baaaaaccck...

I realize I've not been on the blog scene. This hasn't meant that I've not kept up with my writing- not in the least. I have kept up and more. I am now realizing, after having  interviewed wit ha badass woman, gaining a family of weirdos (aka: rucking friends), joining the military, and getting knee deep into bodily fluids, that I should probably post these before I bite the dust. 

 Without further or due, I will begin with past posts (starting from 2018) and lead up to the present.  I will do my best to provide commentary etc... and I will publish my 7 years of silence series, stemming from 2011 to 2018, once I return home from my current military training.  

 Here's today's catch up! Enjoy! 
June 15, 2018
From one extreme to the other 


So recently I’ve come to find that my ex narc and my mother who is also got narc tendencies are  in opposite directions for  dolling out food to my kids. On one side, my mother (whom, yes I live with, due to going back to school and, for the time being, not working) allows my children to get into snacks all the time (al be it healthy, but really, when you eat at normal meal times and have a period for snack, say 10 -1030 am and/or 2-230pm, do you really need to make food available all day? The kiddos will binge due to not eating at their dad’s. What I am trying to teach is healthy hunger response.  I don’t want them starving, and I don’t want them constantly having compulsions to eat either. There’s a healthy in between. There is a healthy way to eat. My parents are on one end of the extreme, my ex is on the other , where he waits 6 to 8 to 10 hours in between meals, tells my kiddos they aren’t hungry after they say they are, etc.. Meanwhile, I’m somewhere in between, trying to be the voice of reason.   

I am ready to give up. God, please, if you want me out of here, then GET me out of here, or tell me, signal me a means of getting the f&*k out so that I am able to be in an environment where my kids are healthy, and no one is questioning my parental judgement who has a damn secondary agenda.  I am tired of the b*ll&*it.  I am so tired of the damn mind games and having to fight to  establish balance for my children.

I can’t parent in my parent’s house. I can’t afford to rent. I can’t find time for school and for work and time to take care of my body and mind.  What am I supposed to do God? Please. I  don’t get it. I don’t get life, or pursuing my “dreams” or rather, the purpose which I believe You set out for me to do.

I am tired. So very tired.  I want to be done, with life, with everything .Forgive me God, I don’t know how to do life well. There’s too much of everything. Too many “should” and “oughts” and trials to overcome. 

Please help me God.  I cannot do this anymore.

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