Lydee Central

I do not know how to begin this. I honestly debate where the Bible says a man is to "Lay down his life, as Christ did for the church", and yet all I see around me are "good" Christian men achieving their personal dreams, regardless of if it provides for their family. Their wives are trapped by a "should be" image, and, bless their hearts, they carry it out - because, who would raise all the children they now possess? Perhaps a more accurate statement would be: a wife lays down her life for her husband, her children, and the church body, hoping that her example would prompt her husband to do the same. I am tired & sad & do not know what to think any more . All I can think of is to separate for a while. Fall of the face of comfort & see where it is that I land. My children are precious. My husband... I don't know what that is anymore. Sorry. To be told you are worth something & then to have your spouse throw you out & tell you you are...

Okay, so after being on the road for almost an hour (doubling my commute time), I had been happy to arrive safely at work. I had no idea just how much more thankful I was to become until my husband called me with "kid drama" . Apparently, our two sons were up & at 'em early this morning. He was finishing up his school work & was complaining to me that the boys were screaming. I don't know about other people, but if I were a child & I kne wmy parent was up & ignoring me, I'd scream too. Then my dh told me that our eldest son ran to pick out the Lucky Charms for breakfast (which, apparently in my dh's parenting book is a no-no. However, he is allowed to have them, any time of day, which is why they are in our home to begin with). I told him that if he had a problem that I was fully capable of his abilities as a grown man and a father to solve this situation. I told him I'd prefer it if he wouldn't ignore the boys when they are awake ,a...

I did not expect to come up to this again. 3.5 yrs of school (for him). me hanging in, an unexpected expectancy (BB #3), and everything in between. More on-line infidelity, more care for a co-student of similar interest, and all the while I just don't care anymore. I do not have enough energy for the theological bickering desires of a 28 year old college student, the ability to work full time in a revenue cycle analysis job, raise 2.5 children, provide benefits, write the thank - you's, keep up in shape, keep the house running, and oh yes, the ever present well-wishers who stand far off and say, "Take some time for you..." . I appreciate the thought, however sweet the idea, the reality is, if I took time off: I would not get paid, there would be no benefits for my husband & children, or myself, we would not be able to pay the bills, etc.. as my husband's part time , no taxes deducted before the end of the year paycheck go towards his degree. Not that he isn...

Big suprises have been happening. First event, we moved & now we are out of in-laws house. Small but welcome victory. Being on our own has allowed our marriage to finally continue instead of back track. It's also allowing me to see how much my husband does support me. Second realization happened: I do not have the job that makes the best use of my time. I know that is the case for many people. I, however, refuse to stay in a job for 20+ years that I am not passionate about simply because it is "smart" or "safe" by someone else's definition. I will not allow the life to be drained out of me every day. So what about it then ? I will be going back to school either right on the heels of when my hubby finishes, or, sooner (this is my goal). Frugailty is most important (esp. since we just got into our new place), and I will do what it takes to save up, scrimp, and scrounge. I am not willing to sacrifice passions & dreams that simply haven't gone away o...

So what is value? Is it purely the worth which we place on a person, item, thing? Is it determined by God, as so stated in religous & political tests? I wish we all could agree on a common determinate, because everywhere I turn I see struggles of value, worth, gain, and greed. There is pride that demands honor & respect, and people deem it "love". In reality, love does not seek it's own, because if it did, it would devalue all that love stood for. It is based on that notion, that I can find my peace. We all do the unthinkable & tell each other in various ways that we are unvaluable, and "not worth it". It is most difficult when the ones we are closest to do this, intentionally or otherwise. For me, it is most difficult when I have been told by a friend that I am loved, that I am valuable, worth it, etc.. and for that friend to do an act of service that would say otherwise. That would confirm the "faith without works is dead" verse that I re...

Why is it when you give yourself away people always try to take up power over you???? I loved you with all I had, and now you think you're the "master of your roost".....that's not what love is supposed to do. That's not how it works, you're supposed to lay down your life because your heart has been touched and is amazed and happy and humble that someone else could love yo u so much. Instead, you set up control factors and conditions. I hate this, this is not love, it's control

My Check in for the day , would in clude that I feel fearful, vulnerable, broken , crushed. I know and am realizing the depth of my need. Even the heart of my beloved fails. We all fail. We choose to hurt each other. As long as we keep running , we deceive ourselves. God thank You that You are constant. I want to run into You. I want to hide in the Cleft Of the Rock, under the Shadow of the Most High, where death nor life can separate me from Your life. I have been struggling with my part of this journey. God, help me. Even when the one who we're supposed to be one with (on this earth, in this life) does not want that, and rejection flourishes, I will abide under Him. I am not second in His eyes. He is not second in my eys. Christ will remain first. He is the author of my life, He has set His seal upon my heart. Emptyhanded, but alive in Your hands God, I am . Humbled by the love that You give. God help me to forgive as You forgave me. Help me to release him to You, fully, complete...