Lydee Central

Why is it when you give yourself away people always try to take up power over you???? I loved you with all I had, and now you think you're the "master of your roost".....that's not what love is supposed to do. That's not how it works, you're supposed to lay down your life because your heart has been touched and is amazed and happy and humble that someone else could love yo u so much. Instead, you set up control factors and conditions. I hate this, this is not love, it's control

My Check in for the day , would in clude that I feel fearful, vulnerable, broken , crushed. I know and am realizing the depth of my need. Even the heart of my beloved fails. We all fail. We choose to hurt each other. As long as we keep running , we deceive ourselves. God thank You that You are constant. I want to run into You. I want to hide in the Cleft Of the Rock, under the Shadow of the Most High, where death nor life can separate me from Your life. I have been struggling with my part of this journey. God, help me. Even when the one who we're supposed to be one with (on this earth, in this life) does not want that, and rejection flourishes, I will abide under Him. I am not second in His eyes. He is not second in my eys. Christ will remain first. He is the author of my life, He has set His seal upon my heart. Emptyhanded, but alive in Your hands God, I am . Humbled by the love that You give. God help me to forgive as You forgave me. Help me to release him to You, fully, complete

I am in the process of letting go. I can't speak into your life. When I do, I am accused of judging your heart. I am the one who is supposed to be the closest to you, and the one whom you are to allow to give you the warning signs. You become more upset & defensive, and are "quick to judge" my heart (saying always that I am angry & upset). I cannot make you want certain things that are good & right & true. There was a time where you would've agreed with me. There was a time we stood together on these matters - only, I was the one under the 'scope. I listened, patiently, and with much interest....even if I was accused of something that may not have been true about my heart, I listened, and took it as counsel. That is the only reason I am alive today. And you were the one to speak into my life. There is a wall here, and I do not know if I am able to get through....I cannot make this wall be torn down. There's no door...just a wall. There is a par

How can I make you see that I am for you? How can anyone force or make anyone do anything? That wouldn't be love - it would be the complete opposite. Twisted, tied up in chains, we both want the same.... I want you. I want to know all of you. I cannot make you be honest with me. I committed to wait for you. I will wait, and in my waiting, I will cling to the Rock. I will hide myself in the cleft, in the secret place. I will pray for you. I want so much to know who all of you is, but I cannot, by any power of my own make that happen - thank God. And, the sad part of all of this is that I see in your history, in your line, you all would like to be close to others, however, are you truly willing to expose yourself? You are willing and want others to be open with you on all frequencies, but are you willing to give all, to lay down all things & admit your sin? If not, then you become a co-dependent, always (seemingly ) putting other people above yourself - but, in realtiy, keeping a

"The Hardest Part" And the hardest part Was letting go, not taking part Was the hardest part And the strangest thingWas waiting for that bell to ring It was the strangest start I could feel it go downBittersweet, I could taste in my mouth Silver lining the cloudOh and I I wish that I could work it out And the hardest part Was letting go, not taking part You really broke my heart And I tried to sing But I couldn’t think of anything And that was the hardest partI could feel it go down You left the sweetest taste in my mouth You're a silver lining the clouds Oh and I Oh and I I wonder what it’s all about I wonder what it’s all about Everything I know is wrong Everything I do, it's just comes undone And everything is torn apart Oh and it’s the hardest part That’s the hardest part Yeah that’s the hardest part That’s the hardest part

I go back and forth, like in pong. Why now? This isn't fair. But then, I should've taken things more seriously back then...I didn't. Now, I'm left here. God, do I love him, what, what do I do? Now I have to teach my little ones how to deal with adversity. My life isn't included now. I am out of the picture. What a paradox. It's not about me, only how I respond. I want to leave. I don't want to try and "see past" the differences. You said you were someone, that you believed something. I thought you did. I made a decision based on what I knew. My trust betrayed, and now, I am bombarded not just by mere "perceptions" that we hold different; it's the very basis of our unity that's in question. This is not some small, trivial thing. I pray and hope & wish that you'd be able to see how far you've roamed away. I thought I was the one who was mad. I find now that I have been thrown closer to the One to whom I owe my life. Eve

Since I last wrote much has happened. My life has gone topsy-turvy, upside - down, back-around, inside-out and then some. My calm in the midst of the storm? Well, I think it's obvious..................... He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide underneath the shadow of the Almighty God. Joy and pain, in sun and rain, He's the same, He never lets go...... My hope is found in Thee and my comfort unwavering. My soul will thirst for the Living God alone. I hope none of this is too heavy for my blog. It seems to be okay though, as not many people read this ;-). One day again there will be light-heartedness. Just now, I am going through an intense season in my life. My leaves are turning from green, but into all the most beautiful colors. My old self is transforming into something new - I am preparing for the winter - spiritually, practically. I have been moved to much silence aft

So in this new season, I have looked among our photos and realized we are, what America would call a "nuclear" family. Hm.... that provokes new thoughts. If we are indeed nuclear, what do we do with our "nuclear" waste? How do we dispose of it.... when we have our problems, our defeats, our burdens? I have made a paralell, with how the world has figured out how to deal with nuclear waste - we haven't. We have made something entirely of our own, and we have not figured out how to dispose of it appropriately since we developed "nuclear" technology. So what do we do with our "waste"? We dump it. We try to cover it up - bury it, or we try to burn it, yet, none of these methods truly "cleans up" the waste or its effects on all that surround it. So too, in our families, our waste p[iles up, we try to dispose of it - sins, past & present, hidden & undisturbed, all the while the effects linger in the air, affect our children &

As you may have noticed, my blog looks different. Just in time for Autumn. I love the smell of leaves, apples, and the cool, crisp air. I think fall and winter are two of my favorite seasons. You may also have noticed about 5 of my postings are gone. Ihave agreed that these were more appropriate for a journal that I actually handwrite in. I still feel uncomfortable having deleted these entries, but I think as time goes on, I'll just get used to it. I am having such a battle trying to follow Christ, even though people close to me refuse. I bring up scripture, talk about these struggles & what God's standard is (note: I am not denying that we fail at this & that we struggle, but the point is that it IS a struggle, not just a laying down of or giving up on who God calls us to be), yet I get no recollection of sin, not even admittance that it's there. Sin is like a necrotizing fascitis or pressure ulcer. It develops in stages, and, if left untreated, the ulcer becomes

Natalie Grant - Perfect PeopleFrom the album Relentless Never let him see you when your breaking..Never let him see you when you fall... Thats How We Live, and Thats How We TryTell The world you've got it all together You never let him see whats underneath We cover it upwith the crooked smile but it only lasts for a little while ( chorus)There's no such thing as perfect people There's no such thing as a perfect life So come as you are, broken and scarred, lift up your heart and be amazed, and be changed by a perfect God Suddenly its like a weight is liftedwhen you hear the words that you are loved He knows where you are and were you've been and you never have to go there again (chorus) Who lived, and died, to give you life to heal our inperfections so look up, and see love, and let grace be enough There's no such thing as perfect people , There's no such thing as a perfect life So come as you are, broken and scarred, lift up your heart and be amazed and be chang

You hold the world within Your hands, and see the tears that fall. Through every storm, through every trial, you're enough, you're always enough. I rejoice for my Savior reigns I rejoice for He lives in this, God on high, He has set me free .... Worthy is the Lord In a dry and weary land, Lord you are the rain.... -Casting Crowns-

Hard times require excess amount of trust. Wrapped in 8 years of naivety , I followed you. I rested, as you said. Laid my arms down, to be brought up by yours. Warmth, life, and joy. Why this day? Why now... Why did you? Questions left unanswered. I am at a loss. Broken glass, once was clear & sheer & pretty. My eyes turn dark, fog overwhelms. Help. I'm drowning, but not in love. Anger, frustration- hot fiery tears burn down my face. Jaded, my eyes are open. Give me time. Let me think. I run to You. What do I do? Love? Again? How do I help him? Love? Answer me, please. I wait. Quiet, peace ensues, persues me. I am consumed, fire out. I know my calling. My purpose in all. Words spoken enough words spoken, action required. I will wear this ring. Let your yes be yes He said. I said yes. I go forward, stumbling, leaning, forward. I do it for Him alone. Selfish thoughts banished by the needs at hand - not mine.

I am in need of some serious silence this week.... desperately trying to quiet the monster inside as it were. I find anger, annoyance & frustration to be debilitating. As is the case, I am falling , free falling before the cross. I once again was reminded that I am unable to do anything on my own - man, that's such a harsh reality! So, this morning, I am listening to Lifehouse. I am also attempting to clear my brain and start over from the week previous - anyone for a mind detox? I am not going to watch t.v. this week or next, or maybe for the entire month - I will blog and let you all know how it goes. I feel that this will help with sobering my heart, mind & emotions. Maybe more worship therapy will do me some good. I had been contemplating ending my blog for a while....however, I found this to be contradindicative to my (God -given) loud mouth honesty persona. Enough said. Just want to shout out to my babies - I loved spending the weekend with you guys!

It is official - we just recieved new codes in our medical world to document the presence of H1-N1 ... what does that mean? Well, it means that it is a SIGNIFICANT virus - has caused mortality, and now, the government and other health care organizations are going to track it. Stay tuned for more health care updates. The new health care quarter begins in October, so we will know more as time goes on. There are also going to be new, more specific notifications about the type of preventative & immun0logical care people are seeking & recieving (e.g. if you refuse immunizations for your children etc...). So, stay tuned to healthcare. I'm signing off for the day.... going to see my babes!

I had forgotten what it is like to be in my teens. I have read through and seen some of the most excruciating articles to date. Teen aged women being formed (battered, thrown, carved, whipped) into a culture of depravity. I am reminded why I hang onto my Beloved, Jesus. You may ask to what am I referring. Just go to your local shopping center or mega mall and observe the young women. They are hanging onto, throwing themselves at boys, young boys, who they think are secure, strong men & friends that (they mistakenly believe) are confident. They fail to see that they, like so many others in their lives will too, let them down. The sad part is, the girls who are in this predicament/mindset of depravity won't realize this until they give up a huge part of themselves to the insecure boyfriend/friend. Society & our culture has (and will continue undoubtedly to) failed them. They've been abused & continue to seek relationships of strength, safety, and security. Unfortunate

It has been a tumultuous weekend...so much so that I am just now writing about it - on Weds. First was wonderful news last Thursday - I was invited to play drums again after 1.5 years of maternal hiatus! My heart lept in me, and then I also remembered that with the invitation came the daunting task of finding in-church childcare for 2. That might not seem like such a challenge, however, with 2 under the age of 3, it's not so easy. But, I was happy none the less. On Friday, my usually skipper happy friend revealed to me that she was going into the hospital to deliver her expired 20 week old unborn. Yep. That led to many tears. I have not heard from her since. I don't know how to console her. I wish I could do more. I keep praying. That's all I can see to do. Saturday was a busy family day, but a bit somber from the previous day's news. We had much to do to prepare for Sunday. Sister in law (e.g. life saver) stayed over for the weekend too. So nice to have her in the hous

This week I am experiencing the challenges of re-training my toddler. It's difficult. Kev & I went away for a couple days for a marriage- rebuilding vacation, and the boys went with my mother. I know it's difficult for Elijah to adjust back to "normal" life, especially when that life includes me being away at work. It wouldn't be such a difficult adjustment, save that I am such a worker/task oriented person, that when I get home, the first thing I do is fold clothes, or have to clean something up, or I feel things are going out of control. This, in turn, leads to little or no time spent just sitting, reading, or showing Elijah much in the way of individual attention. Before I know it, Samuel has awoken, and I'm off to feed him, then fix our dinner & clean up what I will during that time. I guess there are things that can be left, but there's such a drive inside of me to have everything in its place. Perhaps it's because where we live is not our

Okay. So, I desperately would love to grow up, really. But then there are incidents that force me to recognize that I truly am child - like. After getting into my work, I began to assign myself some work, only later to realize I had accepted tasks for which I am not yet skilled to take on..... Thus, I created a massive headache for my co-workers, who were not all that happy with me (Excedrin, anyone?). Attribute it to 1.Lack of sleep, 2.Misplacement of Brain whilst in shower, 3. Being blonde. Yes, I do own all of these excuses, but they do not obliterate the headache. I can only describe how I feel at this moment with a simple posting:

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Whilst listening to the likes of Bartok this morning, I couldn't help but ponder what we're doing in the HealthCare Reform Bill (which, by the way is still in formation, so is it really even a bill?? There have been countless additions, subtractions, modifications...I have another blog post coming on this very issue- not trying to pin a target to my back, but, inevitably this will be the case I'm sure). Again, my thoughts turn to .... our children. Why can't people see that no matter how individualist a society tries to be, no matter what personal, individual "unalienable" rights we're all "entitled" to - everything that we do always impacts other people. I truly see this in the matter of healthcare, specifically in the "family planning" that is tied up into it. Soon, very soon, we could/may all be facing to pay for abortion. My heart ticks on this one. The ones who choose for whatever reason to have this medical procedure done fail

Here are my thoughts on family planning.... About 1 week after we had our second baby (my profile picture is of Sam), we were asked the age old question of, "do you plan to have more?" To which my husband would reply , "yes - we're thinking we'll have about 4 children, Lord willing." To his dismay, I would always glare at him like he'd decided our future without my consent. He would be very confused, and often hurt. His reaction was valid. It's not like we haven't talked before about how many children we'd like to have, it's just that for me I was taught you do one thing at a time, and, well, we've got many things going on. For my type AAAa (I wasn't sure that I wanted to include 4 major A's, but I think I'm on the verge of almost 4 a's, hence the small type a), I see having children, working, and going back to school as all major life events. My husband is more of a "take it as it comes and keep God first&

"We'll be there in a couple hours. You're taking one, right? Okay , well, yeah, we were just, yeah, a date. Okay, well, we understand." This is usually the leaning of our conversations when trying to find a sitter for our son(s). My husband has had the entire summer off, taking care of our boys & working part time for the church - but off of school (his full time +++ job). We have come to the point of realization that during this glorious 12 week "free" period, he & I haven't had a date. It wouldn't be so odd save for the fact that we have help at our sides (both families) - but the trouble is that we have two kids, not one. This makes the care more difficult. I understand this , but hubby is (understandibly) perplexed at why we keep running into offers that subltely hint that our caretaker of the supposed 'date" night is taking one, but not both of our boys. It's really hard when our older boy sees us taking off with his brothe

Guten Tag! Or, as Pinky would put it ZOIT ! Today, as I was thumbing through my closet in the dark at 4:30 a.m., I found my way to what was clean (& polished) - a black suit ensemble. Perfect, I thought. Now, if I fit into the pants it will be golden! (Still going through weird body morphing syndrome post- partum , dubbed WBMS for later posting!) So, after I showered, I tried on my outfit - and, success! So, I continued getting ready, with a half smile on my face - and headed off to work. It was there, walking through the warehouse they call a "professional work environment" that a co-worker put an end to my state of wardrobe elation. "Hey Lydia" she politely greeted me, followed by, "why the funeral garb today?" Alas, my elation lasted only half the day as a realized that my "funeral" suit was a bit too formal for my position - I am, a lowly peon...working in a basement, and apparently, business casual means something different than a cle

So, I was thinking today....what is it that I would LOVE to do (job wise)? A couple of thoughts: 1. Esthetician - I enjoy skin care & cosmetology 2. Makeup Consultant (I have done MK before) - for reasons above, plus, it's my own business - I am the boss, yet I get to learn & mentored & challenged continuously! 3. Wedding Coordinator/Consultant (did this in past too)- Again, my own boss, and I get to learn & hook up with many talented awesome people throughout my community and the world at large (when you get into this business & with experience, you can go international for location weddings!) .... and, I LOVE seeing people enter into this covenant together. And....I love to dance ! That's more of a hobby, since I'm past the peak of doing anything major in the physical area (esp. post childbirth! Heehee .). Just some blurbs!

Okay, so after my new health care budget link/post yesterday, I decided to do something different today. Yep, you guessed it, I am posting my blog before I read the news! What brought on this sudden change? One word - husband. Which will be the topic for today. Call me sappy, but, I am finding that after nearly 8 years of marriage, I'm actually "falling" more in love with , yep, my husband. He's a Super Dad, taking care of our munchkins while I'm away at work - sacrificing an otherwise restful summer to instill love, fun & guidance into these two boys! He's incredibly committed to our Congregation as well. He's trying to play 1 handed piano after breaking his finger (near the PIP joint!), and continues to study for the upcoming fall semester as he will be attending Northwestern to pursue his music major, in hopes that he'll have a career that will combine his passion & calling for excellence in worship through music, while trying to provide s

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Right then! Due to recent events regarding a broken finger (e.g. my husband's), and some other various e-mails I've received, I am trying to contemplate something : human dissociativeness and detachment . What does all that mean? I am becoming disturbed that we, well, especially Christians, are not joining in with others' trials. I don't know if it's just a human nature/self protective device in our brains or what, but it's becoming really troublesome to me. I was taught that when someone is hurt, you get down with them, clean their wounds, and (here's they key part regarding my particular interest) give them a hug, and tell them, it will be alright . Maybe we're losing compassion, or maybe we're all frustrated that we cannot "fix" everything, but I believe we're lacking the second part of that little lesson. I have witnessed (in my own life) the habit of dismissing other people's problems after I pray about it with them once. I

Okay! So, this morning was a "fun" one. My car's steering/tie rod decided to blow out right on the exit I get off on to go to work (in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods around -so says the news). No biggie right? Just use your cell phone & call for help. Yeah, except that in my rushing out of the house for work this morning, I failed to pick up my little "problem solver". Needless to say, I enjoyed a brisk walk through the city after my car trouble - which I guess helped to work out some of the adrenaline in my veins (I am very exhausted at the moment). My husband (who has known this car was trouble - for about the last 3 years) came to save the day, while Grandma willingly took over care of the children. Add to that Grandpa helping out with where to call to get our "dud' back, and well, you've got some pretty awesome family members! On a different note: I arrived at work, began working, and then, unfortunately, checked my e-mail. I ha

Okay, so I promise that soon I will post something that shows the lighter side of me, but for now, my heart is still heavy. Why do people abort? I don't get it. Maybe if there was some sort of trauma (e.g. rape) or danger to Mom, or something...but, otherwise I cannot understand it. I especially am confused when married couples engage in this (generally) selfish practice. Why? Why not give the baby to a family that is trying desperately to conceive? Is it because certain families want "their own" offspring exclusively? Why not adopt - but then, there's an entirely different issue of which I could ramble about. I am sorry if I seem redundant. I am having a difficult time finding a way to express my broken heartedness on this issue. Even certain single teenagers give their baby up for adoption. Just my thoughts. The only reason I can come up with is that people just simply don't know their (or any body else's) true worth. Are we not all from Christ, from His

Okey dokey, so, I had a blogger account, and no blog postings of my own and lately I have encountered some interesting, thought - provoking matters. What better way to deal with my thoughts then to blog? So, here goes. I typically shy away from controversial subjects, not that I do not have an opinion, rather, I would keep to myself in those regards. But, spanning the vast array of aritcles, medical issues, and recent change of politicians both in this beautiful state in which I reside, and also on the national level - I cannot disspell my thoughts anymore. I am addressing abortion. AH! Typing that term makes me a little nervous, but please, share your thoughts.. after you read mine. Lord knows, I've read enough. A recent article in More magazine addressed the generational gap in women, and how the younger generation of women is yielding the "rights" that the older generation fought so dilligently for them to have. These "freedoms" included the right to abort o