Musings from a "Loser" July 2018 series

July 27, 2018
Musings from a “loser”

So, at 35, what do you do when you’ve been offered “help” from your family – i.e. some almost filled but mostly 30 to 40% half full glass promises to get you back into school, get you a degree, and help make you more marketable?

I took the bait. Now I’m having buyer’s remorse. At  my last semester, which is approaching in fall – my parents decided to move. They house myself  and three children, and at my mother’s whim, she has told me not to take a job.

 Right. That was prior to the move.  Now, enter in the daily battle of their less than sanitary exercise of leaving dishes that are dirty all over the place while they try to  clean up the house from which they have never been able to keep clean since I was 12, and you’ve got such a perfect place for me to have space to do schoolwork and have sanity.
 Right. I may be a damn snowflake for bitching about this, however,  having a s#%t hole to work out of makes for one hell of a migraine and two year’s worth of a slowdown on lost productivity. I am sick and tired of the bullshit, and personally cannot help but think my mother intended to try and trap me and make me dependent on her again at this age because she has the need to be a hero.

 My response? I’m checking into on campus housing. I cannot stay in an environment that is distracting and destructive. I leave the house for days, staying where I can for free. Because I need peace, because  I need positivity. I cannot live in their shit anymore. 

God, forgive me.  I miss the townhome I had with the kids. Even with exorbitant rent, it felt worth it. Even though I was working day and night and night and day, it felt worth it.

I know I have to have difficult conversations with my parents. I know they’ve been generous in supporting me – I get it people, okay. I have three children, I’ve been more than capable of providing them with a decent home and plenty of opportunity.

I thought  I was doing something right by pursuing what  I thought was my purpose or God or the Universe's calling on my life. After almost 4 months of this -  I don’t know if what I am doing or want are valid anymore. It’s not that I am ungrateful, it’s that I don’t know if what I desire is really right anymore. I struggle every day. But,  I struggle with rucking too, and yet I reap the rewards.

God,  I don’t know what to do. My parents are and have been tired and  trapped in a full on cycle of excuses and depression.  I will not follow that path. But God, please just turn the freaking tide. Do  I work, do I not? How do I deal with my exe’s attempts to use the boys to cajole me back into what  I was doing before – making mass amounts of money and never being home, and , never fully living up to my purpose or potential? Why do women get punished for attempting to be successful after they’ve had kids?  There are naysayers everywhere who say men work harder – ha, hahahahhahhahahahahahaha. Fucking lie. I don’t know where to make changes ,but there are major key ones that I need in place or I’m going to lose my shit. 

God , help me. I am blonde, I am tired, and I am STILL grateful for the opportunity to pivot mine and the kiddos’ lives. Help me God.  I cannot take care of everyone and me. Please, Father help me. I am reaching my limit and my nerves are shot. Please God, help me.


I remain forever Yours.

Struggling,

Lydia

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