From July 2018 - Realizations Regarding My Family

July 14, 2018

Bloggity – Realizations Regarding my Mother 

As my mother’s covert comments attempted to bludgeon my past couple of days, I have had several objective realizations, the biggest one being - I need to get out ASAP. I moved back in so that I would be able to go back to school without accumulating a crap ton of debt. I'm starting to believe the debt would've been worth my sanity. Here goes with the list.

1.     My mother still has major issues with regret – hence the problem of letting “stuff” go and finding comfort in filling the house with stuff she simply never finishes or utilizes. 

2.     She’s scared to complete certain projects. ON a day to day basis, and also in the case of moving. I am enjoying watching her and my father throw things out that have accumulated over the years (not my stuff  - I cleaned that crap out long ago). But daily – her mind cannot digest doing certain projects, she cannot break them down to micromanage and complete one.thing.at.a.time. This also leads her to not do the monotonous tasks of the day – like cleaning up after herself. She leaves piles of dishes on the stairs for instance. My father – he has become lazy, obese, and can only function at about 30%. He’s done great things in preparing to move to the new house, but on a daily basis – his hair all over the bathroom, laundry piles, and just sitting around clicking a damn computer screen – I don’t even want to go there. He vies for accolades every time he does something (look, I did the dishes, oh look, I mowed the lawn) – so what? So does everyone. Those are called activities of daily living. People who are physically unable to do those either  ask for help, or ....hire people or move to where they can get help. 

3.     I am done enabling. I have three kids, full time school, and will pick up a job soon. I will not enable this type of bs.  I am sorry, but since Mom and Dad hit depression when I was 12, I have been blamed, kicked on spit on, and left to clean up peoples’ shit or suffer the fucking clutter mess chaos. Time to draw boundaries.

4.     I get blamed for shit. My mom, when helping unclog the drain, looked at me and said “you sure are a hairy person”. There are four people that use the bathtub. Three of those are males. They are all full of more hair than I will have in a lifetime. I put my loose hair on the shower wall stall, and clean it up after I finish showering specifically for the purpose that it doesn’t go down the drain. When I reiterated those facts she defended “don’t start getting offended and freaking out,” no mom, I will. As you state – all of us have a right to feel the way we do. But the rules don’t apply to everyone else, only her. She likes to believe she is somehow more fucked up than everyone , or has special rights that she cannot be faced with when it comes to her being accountable for her actions and words of influence on others .She had told me too, that  I didn’t need to do a thing in helping – that she and my dad would do everything. Bullshit. She got mad when I went out rucking yesterday – as if I am the one responsible for the move though she and my  father made the decision to buy the home, along with telling me  I didn’t need to worry. No mom, this is on you and dad, not me. Take responsibility for your part. I will do what I need to, but I won’t do anything over it anymore. Take responsibility for your own choices. That’s what you told me all the time growing up. 

5.     They take any little mistake I make  and exploit it and make it seem that  I am irresponsible. For instance, when my mom tries to lecture me about spending (I spend on food and gas), then when I offer to get a job ,she tells me  I shouldn’t because I won’t have time for school. I tell her then I cannot be subject to your comments.  IT’s round and fucking round the damn bush. OR  when my mom and dad  are either jealous or try to wipe out my successes in the health care industry, where I was a successful consultant before I made a decision to pivot and get an education. I made six figures faster than they did. I will do it again, Lord willing, but it goes to show that sometimes the most dangerous, hurting, jealous people are those who are closest to you and claim to support you. The price of being a punching bag for other people’s emotional bullshit is too high on this one. I want my education, but I am unwilling to sacrifice my sanity. 

6.   My folks had told me they would help with my associate’s degree – and help pay the tuition. Now, because they decided to buy a new house, she and my dad have money that is due for a down payment , and when I asked her about my tuition for fall and her verbal commitment to help, she mentioned a credit card. Sigh.  I don’t care anymore . This is not about me, I just don’t know how to function in a place full of lies and dysfunction. I’m checking on other options. I need out, again. Whenever I am at a place of needing stability when I’m headed on a good path, it’s like my mother inadvertently does something to compromise, sabotage, belittle or derail my success.  I cannot be around this. God give me strength to protect myself and my children from this kind of mental craziness. The double-mindedness is toxic to be around.  Please protect my purpose God, and give me and the kids a way out. I will keep on looking, and going to school.