This post was from my August 2018 Series, again with some pretty difficult findings. I was in a very dark place, both with my family and in my own head. I battled practicality in pursuing my dreams. This post is a snapshot of the arguments and heart cries I have faced while in process of "about facing" my life. I hope you can gain some understanding or know you are not alone in the friction you may have experienced in a similar lifestyle change or pursuit of a dream (or rather alignment of heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit) in your life.
August 17, 2018Bloggity – The Dangers of Succeeding “You can do it! Come on Lyd! You got this!” You might have heard such encouragement throughout your childhood. My encouragement was met with equal parts of shunning & chastisement from my mother, which equated to a very confusing childhood, and an even more painful adult experience. The daughter of a narcissist / BPD, and a father who struggles with depression and anxiety, my life has been a swath of highs and lows that mirror the bipolar nausea resulting from living in such dysfunction. You see, as these two personas battle for self-recognition and importance, they will perpetuate whatever environment necessary to keep this cyclic demarcating behavior alive. These types of personalities result in missed opportunities, failed hopes and dreams that are a result of persons failing to take any action to get out of the mindset they are in because, ultimately, they deem it too painful. Thus, when a person who is near them escapes this sick cycle, they lose fuel, and lose validity and confirmation of their adopted life philosophy. The closer the proximity of this free individual, the more dangerous they are to the narcissist / BPD and the anxiety / depressed person. My mother has told me not to get a job – to abandon a 17-year career in order to pursue school fulltime, only to hold it over my head that I am financially dependent on her, and “everyone takes out school loans. Don’t think about it.” Easy for anyone to say when their name is not the one on the loan! I am tired, I always find my own way, but this is difficult. I was better in the town home, in that I was physically AWAY and GONE from the toxicity. I have known this from a very, very young age. This is why I must break free. I cannot continue to live in a household that is riddled with subtle, sometimes covert sometimes bright shining passive aggressiveness, or attempts at deflection and gas lighting – to make it seem as though I am the one who has the problem. I have had to realize that no matter how much I desire my mother to truly be happy for me, it will not come to pass, as I – or anyone who is in my corner or is my friend – am cheered along or meet successes. God , help me to find a place that is safe, that is holistic and healing, that is functional. Please God, I want to find a place where all the rules apply to everyone! Help me to figure out how to do this with school. I am so tired, but I trust YOU.
Comments
Post a Comment