Freedom
In the amount of time it took for me to think that I was fully supported, much happened.
As I continued thorugh school, making the dean's list, and thoroughly enjoying my husband taking care of the kids almost full time (as he said he would when I went back to school), he began applying for jobs - out of state. Yep. Honestly & hope again were tossed aside to continue his dream. Not merely pieces of me were demanded & expected by him, but my life, my hopes, my dreams, my being. I began praying for an early death - again.
So, we moved to a small town (pardon my discreetness here) wherein which I figured out that the journey and path before me would not change. I would forever be fighting his dreams and his goals, and his marriage to his ministry. It was apparent to me in the short time we were in that town, that he wanted something so different than I, and had hoped he could mold me into that human being. He took advantage of my love, my trust, my compassion. I drew the line in the sand. I decided to come back home.
While in that town, I found a handful of people among hundreds who kept my confidence & encouraged me to find out where my heart was, and knew that this was a matter between me & my Maker. I found this close group of confidants to offer an objective outlook on life (which, oddly enough, mirrored that of my best counselor in the cities back home). Oh yeah, I was also reminded that I was a human being with needs, too. I realized all that I had done with my husband was complain and talk about change. I had become bitter and entrenched in hurt, fear, and the remnants of abandonment from a marriage that I had lusted after that did not exist. Smoke and mirrors.
My counselor's words came back to me, along with some close friends of the past, and some wonderful co-workers I had known since the beginning of my marriage. They had all told me that only God & I knew the limits of my heart, what I can tolerate, how long I can hold onto brokenness before I begin to heal. I needed to heal. I still am. Complete & utter revelation came to me as my friend asked me where I wanted to be 30 years from now. I chose to walk with my children, away from an emotionally immesshed ministry that sought to produce Stepford wives & children to their elite group of money hungry pastors. I left something that ethically I could not do "in the name of Jesus". God has my heart. He knows me. I was held responsible for taking away this congregation's dear pastor. Pehaps if they all came to live with him for a decade they would be better informed, but that will not happen now.
My Soon-to - be- Ex came back & followed the boys & I to "provide" and "look out for" his family. This would mean he came back to appear a certain way before the court, the church, and any who's eyes would fall on him. I am not perfect, my misdeeds are mine own. I have been open to those trustworthy in my life. I hide nothing, only from those who would seek to put my family asunder and at risk. I remain comitted to Christ, my children, my family, and His true followers. My judgements for those who are divorced have completely dissipated, as I know walk my own journey down that road. I do feel that I am able to begin the healing process, even if there are financial & practical consequences to endure. What I was living in before was a nightmare, with perfectly tailored edges.
As I continued thorugh school, making the dean's list, and thoroughly enjoying my husband taking care of the kids almost full time (as he said he would when I went back to school), he began applying for jobs - out of state. Yep. Honestly & hope again were tossed aside to continue his dream. Not merely pieces of me were demanded & expected by him, but my life, my hopes, my dreams, my being. I began praying for an early death - again.
So, we moved to a small town (pardon my discreetness here) wherein which I figured out that the journey and path before me would not change. I would forever be fighting his dreams and his goals, and his marriage to his ministry. It was apparent to me in the short time we were in that town, that he wanted something so different than I, and had hoped he could mold me into that human being. He took advantage of my love, my trust, my compassion. I drew the line in the sand. I decided to come back home.
While in that town, I found a handful of people among hundreds who kept my confidence & encouraged me to find out where my heart was, and knew that this was a matter between me & my Maker. I found this close group of confidants to offer an objective outlook on life (which, oddly enough, mirrored that of my best counselor in the cities back home). Oh yeah, I was also reminded that I was a human being with needs, too. I realized all that I had done with my husband was complain and talk about change. I had become bitter and entrenched in hurt, fear, and the remnants of abandonment from a marriage that I had lusted after that did not exist. Smoke and mirrors.
My counselor's words came back to me, along with some close friends of the past, and some wonderful co-workers I had known since the beginning of my marriage. They had all told me that only God & I knew the limits of my heart, what I can tolerate, how long I can hold onto brokenness before I begin to heal. I needed to heal. I still am. Complete & utter revelation came to me as my friend asked me where I wanted to be 30 years from now. I chose to walk with my children, away from an emotionally immesshed ministry that sought to produce Stepford wives & children to their elite group of money hungry pastors. I left something that ethically I could not do "in the name of Jesus". God has my heart. He knows me. I was held responsible for taking away this congregation's dear pastor. Pehaps if they all came to live with him for a decade they would be better informed, but that will not happen now.
My Soon-to - be- Ex came back & followed the boys & I to "provide" and "look out for" his family. This would mean he came back to appear a certain way before the court, the church, and any who's eyes would fall on him. I am not perfect, my misdeeds are mine own. I have been open to those trustworthy in my life. I hide nothing, only from those who would seek to put my family asunder and at risk. I remain comitted to Christ, my children, my family, and His true followers. My judgements for those who are divorced have completely dissipated, as I know walk my own journey down that road. I do feel that I am able to begin the healing process, even if there are financial & practical consequences to endure. What I was living in before was a nightmare, with perfectly tailored edges.
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